The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

(HAHAHAHA)

Traffic Sign

A Joke

lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Robert Redford on her right upper thigh and a picture of Paul Newman on her left upper thigh.



The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.



She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! That’s definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn’t look like Robert Redford."



The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.



They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos.



She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma’am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right thigh, I’m not sure about—but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

Monday Afternoon Mischief

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

Monday Morning Mischievous

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.

She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying. She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”

He replied: “Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?”“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

Monday Morning Mischief - Proceed @ your own risk!!

**Warning -This weeks joke is a little gross. **

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

(scroll below sign for answer)

A quarter pounder with cheese.

Monday Morning Mischief

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”

Monday Morning Mischief

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.
"Who was that?" the husband asks.

"Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers.

"Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

Monday Morning Mischief

Little Johnny returned home from school, informing his father that he received an F in arithmetic and a stern spanking.

“What happened?” asked the father.

“Well,” little Johnny said, “the teacher asked ‘How much is two times three?’ and I said ‘six.’”

“But that’s right!” said the father.

“Then,” said little Johnny, “she asked me, ‘How much is three times two?’”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.

“That’s what I said!”

Monday Morning Mischief

An 80 year old woman goes to the doctor. "My husband wants me to look 19 down there again; is there anything you can do?"

The doctor says, "Well, let's have a look. I'm sure I can fix that."

So the old lady goes in for the surgery and wakes up the next day to find three roses on her pillow. "Who are these from?" she asks the nurse.

The nurse says, "The first one is from the doctor. He says, 'Congratulations, the surgery went well and everything looks good.' The second one is from your husband, he can't wait for you to come home. And the third one is from Ernie in the burn unit. He says thanks for the new ears."

Can I Make You Laugh??

So yesterday I posted about my ladies room incident..

In honor of Trenting who said:
"That's great, my favorite was when I was in the stall, heard a huge thunderous fart, only to find out that the culprits shoes belonged to my boss! hahah.. priceless.."

I have this joke:

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.“Um…do you have a transfer ticket?” she finally asks.

“No, I don’t,” he replies. “But when we pass the next tree, I’ll try to grab you a handful of leaves.”